No this isn’t a joke.
I really am not fond of Christmas. Let me tell you why*:
1. Christmas isn’t even about Jesus anymore. Well, actually, it really wasn’t about him in the first place. The Roman emperor Constantine made Christmas so that the Christians and pagans would get along. Constantine then reinvented Christianity so he could use it for his own liking. And the Christians, being very un-Christ like, were like: Ok, as long as you make Christianity the official religion of Rome, we’re cool with it. Christians forget to be like CHRIST. He wasn’t like “Hey guys, you should totally celebrate my birthday, because I’m kind of a big deal”. No. He said be compassionate to others. Love people because I love them. Oh and do this all year round. All day. Every day.
2. Jesus wasn’t even BORN in December. He was more likely born in March. Not the Winter. Do you really think that the Shepherds would have been tending to their flock outside in the middle of winter? No. It gets cold in Israel . It snows. Just not on Jesus’ birthday. There’s a great article about how December 25th became Christmas here
3. Stuff. I didn’t know that I needed all of these things, but apparently I do. Sweaters! Shoes! Gift cards! Things! Even if you don’t want anything, or need anything, people feel obligated to get you crap, excuse me, presents. But why? They might not even like you that much. You’re just a family obligation, or a co-worker. And if you give gifts to one co-worker, you better give them to all of them dangit. (I do love presents though, feel free to get them for me all year round. Not just because our culture dictates you to every year in December)
4. Christmas trees. Sheldon Cooper, and the writers of The Big Bang Theory, aptly summarize my feelings. I am a Christian, I love Jesus, but how does cutting down an evergreen celebrate his birth that was actually in March? (I love you Jesus, here’s a dead tree with stuff on it)
5. Christmas cards. I mean really? If I wanted to know what was going on in your life, I would be talking to you on a regular basis. Also, I’m just going to throw it away anyways. I don’t mean to say that I hate them. Or that I don’t take the time to read them. But I still think its weird. Save a stamp and just pick up the phone and call me. I’d rather hear your voice than try to decipher your handwriting.
6. Baking. Have you ever tried to navigate Meijer’s baking aisle during the “Christmas” season? It is a nightmare. There are people just standing around, looking at bags of flour because this is the only time of the year that they attempt to bake. Baking soda? Huh? What do you use almond extract for? How exactly does one evaporate milk? After you navigate the crazy and the store you have to go home and actually put that stuff together to make more stuff. Hopefully they turn out to be cookies but I don’t know, at this point it could be a meat loaf.
7. Obligations; professional and otherwise. The dreaded office Christmas parties. The schmoozing with people who didn’t even know you worked at the company for the past year. I see you people for forty hours a week, why would I want to hang out with you on the weekend? (I mean, unless I really like you)
8. People having to work on Christmas because for some unknown reason we think we need them there. Really?! Christmas is “supposed” to be about family (also Jesus), so why the heck do we think we need to go to the movies on Christmas day? Rent a movie on December 23, stay home, and chill out. You have to work the next day anyways.
9. Santa Claus. Now, I don’t hate Santa Claus, Saint Nicholas was a pretty cool guy. The Legend goes that he would give gifts to the poor people in secret, as not to draw any attention to himself. At some point, Saint Nicholas morphed with the Nordic Sinterklas to become Father Christmas, and later, Santa Claus. To be seen in all the malls in all the land.
YOU SIT ON A THRONE OF LIES
10. Navigating the mall. Where are all these people coming from? Why are they here? Do we really need the stores open longer? Yes! Because we need to get people stuff that they don’t need!
11. Environmental consequences. Now, I know I’m on my high horse for this one. But it doesn’t take a genius to figure out where all the wrapping paper, leftover food, and empty boxes and plastic are going; the dump. At least if you buy a real Christmas tree, you can use it as firewood. (If you’re a hippy like me anyways)
12. Christmas Carols that people dont know the words to, but still sing to them. “Oh come all ye faithful, Joyful and ermermeh, I doooon’t know the worrrrrds” If you don’t know the words, dont sing. Learn the words, respect where the music came from, or shut up.
Side note, if I hear Mariah Carey’s stupid “All I want for Christmas is you” one more time, I may set something on fire.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go shopping.
P.S. Brown Dog likes cookies. And Unwrapping presents. What’s the big deal?
*Please note, some things are exaggerated because frankly, its more fun to write that way.