Jupiter Ascending & Why We Need Better Heroines. (Spoilers)

Dear Hollywood.

I demand better.

But I think this may be a turning point

Jupiter Ascending:


I was pleasantly surprised by Jupiter Ascending as a whole. Mila Kunis does a nice job with the character Jupiter, and Channing Tatum lived up to expectations. (Even if he was a little too broody) Sean Bean doesn’t die (woo!), and the captain of the ship that rescues them, Nikki Amuka-Bird, is excellent. And holy crow, is Eddie Redmayne creepy and awesome as Balem Abrasax.(So so good). I loved the music, of course I did, because my favorite composer Michael Giacchino, wrote the score.

Channin Tatum’s character,, Caine Wise, was an interesting one. He was a human-wolf splice, and by the end of the movie he had wings. So he’s a wolf-eagle-man? Whatever. He had cool moon-boot-speed-skates that made for some interesting action scenes. Also he lost his shirt for about five minutes of the movie. Which, for some people, is enough to get them to see the movie. I however, was concerned that he was going to get a boo-boo by being shirtless. No really, he was running around in a swarm of bees, he was going to get stung. However, I can see how a shirtless Channing Tatum would make more people go see a movie.

I just read iMDb’s description of the movie, describing the title character of Jupiter as “destitute”. The last time I checked, someone who lived in a house, and had a job, and had food, was not destitute. While I can appreciate that being a maid is not what Jupiter wants, the audience has no vision of what it is she wants at all. Except that she wants a telescope. To me, to show that Jupiter is unhappy, but to give her no drive to change her situation, even though “I hate my life”, is incredibly exasperating.

I would also like to point out that when Caine essentially  kidnaps her, she’s basically like yeah ok, this is cool. And goes with him. And she doesn’t demand answers, like one would, if one was kidnapped and told that one’s planet was not the only one that was inhabited.

I do like Jupiter. I do. What is frustrating to me is that time after time we have to wait the ENTIRE movie for the heroine to find her mojo. Seriously? Jupiter is tough, and she doesn’t believe in fairy tales. And it takes her an hour and a half to realize she can beat up the SOB that’s trying to murder the population of earth? I find her gullibility to be unbelievable. Like she didn’t know that Titus was going to pull a fast one when he said that marriage was just a political contract. A guy who wanted to marry someone who looked exactly like his mother wasn’t a tad creepy to her?

I did like this movie, I did. I love that it is an original story in Hollywood. I love it. However. There are plot holes that I do not appreciate. Even in A New Hope, the audience say the power of the Death Star. But in Jupiter, even though the Abraxas family harvests planets, we don’t see how they do it. So, where does their power stem from? How did they get it? The film tried to make a connection with your everyday movie goers, and because of plot-holes, it did not succeed. There is also some super campy dialogue between Caine and Jupiter that was just not as cute as it was intended to be.

Jupiter Ascending had the ability to be the next great Sci-Fi franchise, and it didn’t quite make it there. It seemed like the visual effects were meant to distract us from the plot holes (Including, but not limited to Channing Tatum’s abs). I can see that the Wachowski’s want to set up a sequel. Which, hopefully, exceed my expectations (which are set too high, according to some people…)

We need better heroines. We already have good heroes. We need better heroines because the damsel-in-distress is boring. How many times will Mario save Peach before he realizes that she’s just having an affair with Bowser? How long before Rapunzel cuts her own hair and climbs down herself? How much longer until Sleeping Beauty wakes up by her own damn self and realizes that she is more powerful than her curse?

What we need are more Hermione’s, more Zoe’s, more Scout’s, and Princess’ who don’t take sh*t from scruffy looking nerf-herders.

Dear Hollywood.


I am tired of waiting.

Peace, Love, and Impatience,


P.S. Brown dog thinks there needs to be more canine sidekicks. Where is the dog representation here?!

P.P.S. I have very high expectations for Avengers 2. We won’t even discuss Episode VII.


About blondehairbrowndog

C is a recent graduate of Michigan State University (Go Green!) with a bachelors degree in English. She currently resides in the Mitten state with her Mister, three dogs, and one and a half cats. She enjoys large cups of coffee, running, and long walks in the woods.
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