Let’s talk about something I don’t want to talk about. That sounds fun, right?
I come from a long line of anxiety-ers. Anxieters? People deal with Anxiety in different ways. Some people take pills, other people meditate, it all depends on the person. For example, I have less anxiety when I’m exercising on a regular basis. Right now I’m having, well, I guess one could call it a flare-up. I even had an anxiety attack this week.
Let me explain to you what an anxiety attack feels like to me. I mean, I don’t know what else to call it. All last week, I could feel it building and building. I figured it would just go away. I figured wrong. Because sometimes I just start thinking about billsdogsdeathdinnercookinggroceryshoppingstudentloansjobsemploymentinsurancechildrenhousescats. And I couldn’t stop. Anxiety, is a giant, black, misty-looking balrog-type creature that stands up behind me, and slowly brings his hands down onto my shoulders, and starts to pull me apart. The depression I’ve been dealing with stems from my anxiety, but I definitely don’t want to talk about that, that’s a totally different monster. Anyways, I was doing the dishes. My husband made an innocent (no really, it was)comment and all of a sudden my chest tightened so fast that it hurt to breathe. I just stood there, water running, dirty dish in my hand, taking deep breaths. I put the dish down, made myself some tea, and put some lavender essential oil on and kept breathing. (That’s the key, breathe)
Sometimes, you feel trapped in your own head, with your thoughts spinning around you in incoherent run-on sentences. I’m a writer, I have enough thoughts in my head, thank you very much. I keep a lot of the incoherent babbling in check by coaching myself. Well, my own kind of coaching. If I start worrying about bills, I remind myself where I was last year, and how much better off I am this year. Also, I say things like “just move forward”, “Stop being a whiny baby and get it done”, “Let this go and move on. Just move. MOVE”, and most importantly “If you’re still breathing, you aren’t done. Get your shit together.” I should really be a life coach.
This week was hard. I’m not going to sugar coat it. I wanted to quit my job, for no reason, other than I felt overwhelmed with my life. Life can be overwhelming. But we do it. There’s a saying in the Christian faith, that I seriously hate: If He brings you to it, He’ll bring you through it. Well, sometimes you get there because you’re an idiot. Sometimes you get there because you thought you didn’t need to listen in the first place. If someone in your life, or your congregation, tells you that they have anxiety, maybe you should pray for them, and also do their laundry. People with anxiety, sometimes just need to know they aren’t alone. Clearly, they are dealing with some things that they probably don’t want to talk about, so don’t make them. Just listen when they need to and shut your trap. (that goes for me also, I can’t ever shut my mouth)
As previously stated, and because I believe I’m one of the cool kids I’m a writer. I take things that bother me and I turn them into stories. I take anxiety and turn it into a defeatable monster. I take my depression and tell it to go straight to the hell it came from.( I also make up my own words. Take that Shakespeare.)
If you are currently dealing with anxiety or depression. Please don’t be a me. Get someone you can talk to.
Some days, a pen is just a pen. Other days, you click it, and a sword comes out.
Whatever tries to kill me, had better run.
Peace, Love, Chocolate,