Out of the darkness

*The following post is going to talk about Depression, Anxiety, and some really not great thoughts.*

 

I posted the other day that I had received some good news, but I didn’t elaborate. Because I wasn’t sure if I wanted to yet. But I think I will now.

So here’s what’s been going on.

I’ve been going through Hell.

I’m not saying that to be overdramatic or try to get attention. I’m telling the truth. I was in the darkest place I’ve ever been. Every single day was a fight for control over my own mind. And I almost lost.

I never once thought in my entire life that would have to battle for my mind. To suddenly have the stories in my head be buried so far down that I couldn’t even write anymore. I couldn’t sing. I had lost my voice.

But one day in June, I decided that I needed help. I had been told that seeing a therapist might be a good idea by my friends and my husband. Who frankly, were probably tired of watching me spiral out of existence. But it was me who had to finally make that decision. So I found a therapist in my area that had the option to be faith based. Because let me tell you, that when you lose your voice, you lose your joy. I couldn’t even go to church. I struggled and forced myself to go if I did at all.

So since June, I’ve been working with a therapist. Once a week. It was not easy. Told her things that I’ve never told anyone else. Worked through the things that had been holding me back. Pushed myself to say the things that I really wanted to say. Reminded myself what MY goals were. Not what the world told me they were.

And then I made a really big decision. It was not easy. I’ve decided to quit my full time job to pursue my writing career for a year. I want to see where it takes me. I want the chance to write my name in lights. I want to be in the room where it happened. And if I fail, well, I try again. J.K. Rowling was rejected 12 times. I expect to be rejected even more than that. But I’m ready for it. I finally have a plan, or at least a guide, and goals that I actually want to work for. The stories in my brain have to be there for a reason.  

And then the other day at church. I was sitting as the pastor was preaching his message and said to God “I’m done. Take it.”. I felt a release. I felt like I let go of the last bit of my burden. That the demon digging its claws into my back had finally released. And in place of a scarred and bleeding back, was a plate of armor.  

And then at my most recent therapy appointment, my therapist said she didn’t think I needed to see her weekly anymore. That we would meet again in a few weeks and reevaluate, and then meet on a need basis.

I win.

Peace, Love, Time to destroy the patriarchy,

-C

 

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About blondehairbrowndog

C is a recent graduate of Michigan State University (Go Green!) with a bachelors degree in English. She currently resides in the Mitten state with her Mister, three dogs, and one and a half cats. She enjoys large cups of coffee, running, and long walks in the woods.
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